IF ONLY.. Words of complaint I've never had the heart to say out loud

You gave me a shock, when you asked me to be yours. Well, you didn't ask.. but then again, you confused me with this strange game. I remember writing on my journal.. "He has always, always done the right thing where I was concerned. I trust him to do the same now." I smiled to myself, because well, I suddenly realized how perfect it would be.

If only you knew, the dreams I dreamt from that moment onward.

We spent hours talking, doing nothing. We stayed a many nights, just staring out into nothingness and never speaking a word. Silent was the world, and beautiful, the moments. I could spend all my life doing nothing with you, in my happy place. I still remember every single thing like it happened only yesterday. I still remember how you held my hand one day, when I cried.

If only you had realized how much every single second meant to me.

You left me without reason, and I could never say a thing because I wasn't sure I had you in the first place. One day you showered me with love and the next day, acted like it never happened. I wanted to hate you, right down to your guts. I wanted to stop even speaking to, for the pain and hurt you've caused me. But how could I, when I cared more about you than I ever had for a person?

If only you had it in you, to at least care back.

From then on, you flitted on from woman to woman. Sometimes, I was asked to help. Sometimes, you'd be all secretive about it, like it would lessen my pain. I'd go on with my daily life, and you never left my mind, not for a second. I was so obsessed, so much so that even in my FINAL exams, I always searched for you even though I was already late. So much so during the few times you sent me a text, it would make my day. So much so, that nothing else mattered anymore. Not studies, not friends and certainly not family.

If only I realized how insane I was, for it was all but in vain.

I remember well, all the things I have done for you that you never knew about. I never tolerated a bad WORD against you. No matter how much you hurt me, nobody was still allowed to say a word against it. I remember how well I defended you, making up lame excuses. "He was just having a rough time.. didn't mean to hurt me.. did it only so that we wont mess up things.." I went on.

If only you knew how I always longed for one kind word, one nice gesture.

If you ever came across any challenge, I'd stay with you right through the end. I did, many a gazillion times and no, not because I expected anything in return. And certainly not because I wanted you to do the same for me some day either. But when it came down to the smallest, smallest thing where I needed it, I was sure you were there for me. I don't hold it against you that you weren't but the least you could have done was tell me the truth when you knew I what believed till the last minute.. until I heard sympathetic words from others who knew. No explanations given, no "sorry"s offered and certainly no care given as to what I felt. And I accepted this, was angry at first but then again, let it go.. like I have the many other times you've let me down and hurt me.

If only you had any idea how many things like this have made me cry myself to sleep.

Once I tried to be there on your birthday. It might not have mattered much, but I wanted to and I couldn't no matter how much I tried. So instead, I thought of making you a card, along with a gift to send. I snipped, pasted, cut and worked all night long, till I couldn't anymore. It wasn't pretty or creative like I wanted it to be, because I'm not a good artist. However, my hopes were high when I showed it to you. And I do not think you even looked at it. I was again so sad that I tore down the whole thing and never sent you my gift either.

If only you knew how the simplest things you do, broke me apart every single time.

You never told me what I lacked. If you didn't reach for me over and over again, maybe I'd have thought it was because I simply wasn't good enough. But why did you want me at one time, leave me again, want me after that and leave again? I would have sung for you a thousand times.. I would have maybe, done everything I could for you. Yes, even learnt how to cook. I'd have loved you like no other, cared for you more with every passing day and maybe, just maybe, we could have beaten the odds.

If only you'd ever truly given it a chance, If only you'd even tried once.

I had a dream once. Not long ago, I would have given anything to be yours. Not anymore, because I realize now, that it would never have been this way if you ever cared. I have moved on and while I now that deep inside I'll always care about you, please now that you have lost me truly, forever. Because I couldn't stand it anymore.. and though I know you loved me too, I'm sorry it was never enough. I'm sick of being obsessed with you, I'm sick of never being able to move on, I'm sick of waiting for you when you never even asked me to. I'm walking away today..

If only you had stopped me ages ago, when I'd have been happy to look back...

Do I miss home? YES I DO!

“New faces, new ways and new places, here I come.”

This was what I was thinking as I made my way through the familiar airport of Sri Lanka. I have been here before, on various shopping trips with my family. However, this time it was different. Different because this time, I am supposed to two years here. Also, different because this time, my parents would never be there to spoil me.

As I entered the place which was supposed to be my new home, I found a million things to complain about. Not because things weren't in order, but rather because of how determined I was to find everything wrong about it. I went on and on about how I did not have any friends, or how the sand here was never white. I grumbled about the food and about how some people I met here expected Maldivians to be extremely bad people. Of course, I missed home.

At first, I made things difficult for everyone around me. However, as days passed on, I found myself adjusting slowly. I slowly started getting along with my housemates. Furthermore, as college started I made many new friends.

For once in my life, I have started finding pleasure in things except shopping and dinners and hanging out. Not that I could still survive without shopping (hell I cant O_O) , but I totally could spend a happy gazillion hours with the lil girl who lives at my place, Meesam. We did all kinds of fun stuff like making cards and dancing. She'd sometimes be so naughty and just when I'm about to get all frustrated, she'd show me the flowers she got for me, or the cards and I'd melt all over. I am pretty much the party girl, and I couldn't imagine spending a minute somewhere peaceful. However, I found joy in going to the park and just sitting, watching children play. Sometimes Meesam would ask me to give her a push on the swing, and I would. Sometimes, I just sit on a bench and watch the birds.

Moreover, I am learning how to cook. Sadly, one of the things few things I can't do, but would love to. I have started to spend more time doing things for myself.

I have started to change in ways I never knew I could, and I am happy about it. With every passing day, I learn so many news things. I learnt that being happy doesn't revolve around shopping and shoes. Moreover, I learnt that no matter where you go, it’s always important to be who you really are. You do not have to change the person you are, just to get accepted.

Almost a month has passed since I moved here. Now, I look forward to the 2 years I have left. I have taken up political science and mass communication as my majors in college, and I think it is so far, the best decision I have ever made in my life.

However, every day I face the question, “Why political science?”

To this, I always smile and shrug, most of the time because I do not know what to say. I decided to study political science because I want to make a change. And as to answering the question, “what change?” I’d never even finish answering that question.

Yes, I belong to a society that needs that many changes.

We have yet, to mature as social beings. It’s not a matter of choosing the right leader anymore. It has been brought down to being a matter of right and wrong. We are one sad little nation that's among the lowest populated from the world, and also with an insanely high count of grave social issues like domestic violence, drug abuse and gang violence.

So yes, I have a dream. I dream of making a change one day. A change so good, that around the globe we see the white flags of peace. A day when there’s no discrimination between gender, race and ethnicity. A day we all could forget our differences and learn to tolerate. A day I could walk safe in my own country.

Sigh, that's all for now, be back later. Till then, keep smiling :)

And yeah, here are some of the few pics I managed to get with my little family, before they headed back to the sunny side!

Dad with McDonald's Ronald.

Me and mom , Oh I miss her so! ):

With lil Mr. Annoying, Raif. I miss you too, lil one

And finally me, after getting reddish maroon highlights on my hair yesterday. It was just one of those crazy urges you have. I was coming home from college, saw the salon, and was like, "hey, highlights!" :P

Changes, changes all over..!

sigh.

I feel guilty, for not updating much lately.

But I do I have a good excuse- life has been BUSY. Happening.

Remember how I rambled about moving to Lanka? well, THAT's where I am right now.

However, first things first. What have I been up to?

I worked in the SAARC summit in addu, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I met some nice people, made new friends and learnt much. I was hell busy, since with the help of our supervisor from the president's office, Mr.Shuaib and my partner sharyf, I had to manage 50 students from local protocol, plus around 24 girls from foreign too. It was a tough, challenging and very enlightening experience. Moreover, I think Shuaib had been one inspirational leader to all of us, never stopping at anything and giving both of us much needed advice and guidance. i would always be thankful to him and his wife sophy, with whom I made good friends.

After a rather successful event, I left for the Youth Leadership Program. 40 students from almost all the atolls, 3 weeks in Bandos Island Resort and another learning experience. This time, one that would change my life for the better. Few memorable highlights and lessons from YLP stuck in my memory would be..

• The way my roommates helped me through everything. I remember how Riyasha neatly made stitches on my traditional dress with a needle and thread, even though she barely knew how to. She made me try it over and over again, fixing it till it was perfect. I remember how we all did yoga and danced. I remember taking dibs on toilet, the AWESOME food, boduberu, the many trips and everyone teasing me about so much stuff!






• How I sang for everyone on more than a few occasions. On the karaoke nights, during the 'cultural' day, and many a night under the huts till we were shooed off to bed.






• Learning to respect people, especially the Bangladeshi people in Maldives who are so mistreated, so degraded. Over and over again, I had the chance to think about how sorry a situation it was.






• I learnt how in a democracy, we have to discipline ourselves enough to be able to accept the fact that if the majority of the people think along the same lines, I have to respect the decisions made according to them as long as my rights are preserved. EVEN THOUGH my opinions may differ.






• I also learnt that I didn't need to have power, in order to make a change. There are certain things which I can do as an individual, or in a small group to make things better. Even the simplest thing we do, could turn the world around. And this we know, from the many inspirational people around the world.






• From all the very inspiring lecturers we had, someone who inspired me very much was the judge from high court in Maldives Shujoon, who was the first judge in Maldives. She was so in control, so poised and I think is a great example for all the girls like me. Really, makes you wanna say, "Go,Woman!!!" :P






• Our facilitators Falak, Shaam and Naaj were the best ever. We all loved them and they were all so helpful throught the whole program. And even though I had wailed and screamed so much at Shaam for shooing us off from the TV at lights out time, I think the three of them did everything so perfectly.






• The program has changed the way I thought about SO MUCH stuff, that its difficult to point out everything. However, I will always remember the stuff I learnt and would always be thankful to Democracy House and Mr. Dean for giving me the best three weeks of my life.






• Throughout the program, Sal and Naafi were two people who pushed us always, to excel and do our best. And for this, I'd always be thankful to both of them.






• Sal has been the most inspiring person I met throughout it all. People like her, they make me want to be a better person. Moreover, she is hope. For me, and for many young people out there.. because she is proof that there ARE adults who listen to young people. People who think that what we say and think, matter. And these, are only few of the many reasons why I think she'd be the best mentor I could ever have.

So.. How is Colombo treating me?

Oh my, this has turned out to be one LONG post. About Lanka, I think that would be another update. I have still not adjusted well and my laptop is arriving in a few weeks, so I guess I'd be updating regularly from then onwards. Till then, adios :)