Sunday, January 22, 2012

IF ONLY.. Words of complaint I've never had the heart to say out loud

You gave me a shock, when you asked me to be yours. Well, you didn't ask.. but then again, you confused me with this strange game. I remember writing on my journal.. "He has always, always done the right thing where I was concerned. I trust him to do the same now." I smiled to myself, because well, I suddenly realized how perfect it would be.
If only you knew, the dreams I dreamt from that moment onward.

We spent hours talking, doing nothing. We stayed a many nights, just staring out into nothingness and never speaking a word. Silent was the world, and beautiful, the moments. I could spend all my life doing nothing with you, in my happy place. I still remember every single thing like it happened only yesterday. I still remember how you held my hand one day, when I cried.
If only you had realized how much every single second meant to me.

You left me without reason, and I could never say a thing because I wasn't sure I had you in the first place. One day you showered me with love and the next day, acted like it never happened. I wanted to hate you, right down to your guts. I wanted to stop even speaking to, for the pain and hurt you've caused me. But how could I, when I cared more about you than I ever had for a person?
If only you had it in you, to at least care back.

From then on, you flitted on from woman to woman. Sometimes, I was asked to help. Sometimes, you'd be all secretive about it, like it would lessen my pain. I'd go on with my daily life, and you never left my mind, not for a second. I was so obsessed, so much so that even in my FINAL exams, I always searched for you even though I was already late. So much so during the few times you sent me a text, it would make my day. So much so, that nothing else mattered anymore. Not studies, not friends and certainly not family.
If only I realized how insane I was, for it was all but in vain.

I remember well, all the things I have done for you that you never knew about. I never tolerated a bad WORD against you. No matter how much you hurt me, nobody was still allowed to say a word against it. I remember how well I defended you, making up lame excuses. "He was just having a rough time.. didn't mean to hurt me.. did it only so that we wont mess up things.." I went on.
If only you knew how I always longed for one kind word, one nice gesture.

If you ever came across any challenge, I'd stay with you right through the end. I did, many a gazillion times and no, not because I expected anything in return. And certainly not because I wanted you to do the same for me some day either. But when it came down to the smallest, smallest thing where I needed it, I was sure you were there for me. I don't hold it against you that you weren't but the least you could have done was tell me the truth when you knew I what believed till the last minute.. until I heard sympathetic words from others who knew. No explanations given, no "sorry"s offered and certainly no care given as to what I felt. And I accepted this, was angry at first but then again, let it go.. like I have the many other times you've let me down and hurt me.
If only you had any idea how many things like this have made me cry myself to sleep.

Once I tried to be there on your birthday. It might not have mattered much, but I wanted to and I couldn't no matter how much I tried. So instead, I thought of making you a card, along with a gift to send. I snipped, pasted, cut and worked all night long, till I couldn't anymore. It wasn't pretty or creative like I wanted it to be, because I'm not a good artist. However, my hopes were high when I showed it to you. And I do not think you even looked at it. I was again so sad that I tore down the whole thing and never sent you my gift either.
If only you knew how the simplest things you do, broke me apart every single time.

You never told me what I lacked. If you didn't reach for me over and over again, maybe I'd have thought it was because I simply wasn't good enough. But why did you want me at one time, leave me again, want me after that and leave again? I would have sung for you a thousand times.. I would have maybe, done everything I could for you. Yes, even learnt how to cook. I'd have loved you like no other, cared for you more with every passing day and maybe, just maybe, we could have beaten the odds.
If only you'd ever truly given it a chance, If only you'd even tried once.

I had a dream once. Not long ago, I would have given anything to be yours. Not anymore, because I realize now, that it would never have been this way if you ever cared. I have moved on and while I now that deep inside I'll always care about you, please now that you have lost me truly, forever. Because I couldn't stand it anymore.. and though I know you loved me too, I'm sorry it was never enough. I'm sick of being obsessed with you, I'm sick of never being able to move on, I'm sick of waiting for you when you never even asked me to. I'm walking away today..
If only you had stopped me ages ago, when I'd have been happy to look back...


:) said...

His loss.

Shaha said...

such a deep moving post.
BTW I have nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger award. Hope you will do it. :)

I do, I do. said...

Touching! :)

Cheeky Sylph said...

He messed up and missed out big time I guess. You deserve better :)

Nadh said...

I loved this piece! :)

Shaayan said...

thanks, people! :)

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