SHAAYAN

IF ONLY.. Words of complaint I've never had the heart to say out loud

2012-01-22T08:24:00.000-08:00

You gave me a shock, when you asked me to be yours. Well, you didn't ask.. but then again, you confused me with this strange game. I remember writing on my journal.. "He has always, always done the right thing where I was concerned. I trust him to do the same now." I smiled to myself, because well, I suddenly realized how perfect it would be.

If only you knew, the dreams I dreamt from that moment onward.

We spent hours talking, doing nothing. We stayed a many nights, just staring out into nothingness and never speaking a word. Silent was the world, and beautiful, the moments. I could spend all my life doing nothing with you, in my happy place. I still remember every single thing like it happened only yesterday. I still remember how you held my hand one day, when I cried.

If only you had realized how much every single second meant to me.

You left me without reason, and I could never say a thing because I wasn't sure I had you in the first place. One day you showered me with love and the next day, acted like it never happened. I wanted to hate you, right down to your guts. I wanted to stop even speaking to, for the pain and hurt you've caused me. But how could I, when I cared more about you than I ever had for a person?

If only you had it in you, to at least care back.

From then on, you flitted on from woman to woman. Sometimes, I was asked to help. Sometimes, you'd be all secretive about it, like it would lessen my pain. I'd go on with my daily life, and you never left my mind, not for a second. I was so obsessed, so much so that even in my FINAL exams, I always searched for you even though I was already late. So much so during the few times you sent me a text, it would make my day. So much so, that nothing else mattered anymore. Not studies, not friends and certainly not family.

If only I realized how insane I was, for it was all but in vain.

I remember well, all the things I have done for you that you never knew about. I never tolerated a bad WORD against you. No matter how much you hurt me, nobody was still allowed to say a word against it. I remember how well I defended you, making up lame excuses. "He was just having a rough time.. didn't mean to hurt me.. did it only so that we wont mess up things.." I went on.

If only you knew how I always longed for one kind word, one nice gesture.

If you ever came across any challenge, I'd stay with you right through the end. I did, many a gazillion times and no, not because I expected anything in return. And certainly not because I wanted you to do the same for me some day either. But when it came down to the smallest, smallest thing where I needed it, I was sure you were there for me. I don't hold it against you that you weren't but the least you could have done was tell me the truth when you knew I what believed till the last minute.. until I heard sympathetic words from others who knew. No explanations given, no "sorry"s offered and certainly no care given as to what I felt. And I accepted this, was angry at first but then again, let it go.. like I have the many other times you've let me down and hurt me.

If only you had any idea how many things like this have made me cry myself to sleep.

Once I tried to be there on your birthday. It might not have mattered much, but I wanted to and I couldn't no matter how much I tried. So instead, I thought of making you a card, along with a gift to send. I snipped, pasted, cut and worked all night long, till I couldn't anymore. It wasn't pretty or creative like I wanted it to be, because I'm not a good artist. However, my hopes were high when I showed it to you. And I do not think you even looked at it. I was again so sad that I tore down the whole thing and never sent you my gift either.

If only you knew how the simplest things you do, broke me apart every single time.

You never told me what I lacked. If you didn't reach for me over and over again, maybe I'd have thought it was because I simply wasn't good enough. But why did you want me at one time, leave me again, want me after that and leave again? I would have sung for you a thousand times.. I would have maybe, done everything I could for you. Yes, even learnt how to cook. I'd have loved you like no other, cared for you more with every passing day and maybe, just maybe, we could have beaten the odds.

If only you'd ever truly given it a chance, If only you'd even tried once.

I had a dream once. Not long ago, I would have given anything to be yours. Not anymore, because I realize now, that it would never have been this way if you ever cared. I have moved on and while I now that deep inside I'll always care about you, please now that you have lost me truly, forever. Because I couldn't stand it anymore.. and though I know you loved me too, I'm sorry it was never enough. I'm sick of being obsessed with you, I'm sick of never being able to move on, I'm sick of waiting for you when you never even asked me to. I'm walking away today..

If only you had stopped me ages ago, when I'd have been happy to look back...

Do I miss home? YES I DO!

2012-01-21T01:41:00.000-08:00

“New faces, new ways and new places, here I come.”

This was what I was thinking as I made my way through the familiar airport of Sri Lanka. I have been here before, on various shopping trips with my family. However, this time it was different. Different because this time, I am supposed to two years here. Also, different because this time, my parents would never be there to spoil me.

As I entered the place which was supposed to be my new home, I found a million things to complain about. Not because things weren't in order, but rather because of how determined I was to find everything wrong about it. I went on and on about how I did not have any friends, or how the sand here was never white. I grumbled about the food and about how some people I met here expected Maldivians to be extremely bad people. Of course, I missed home.

At first, I made things difficult for everyone around me. However, as days passed on, I found myself adjusting slowly. I slowly started getting along with my housemates. Furthermore, as college started I made many new friends.

For once in my life, I have started finding pleasure in things except shopping and dinners and hanging out. Not that I could still survive without shopping (hell I cant O_O) , but I totally could spend a happy gazillion hours with the lil girl who lives at my place, Meesam. We did all kinds of fun stuff like making cards and dancing. She'd sometimes be so naughty and just when I'm about to get all frustrated, she'd show me the flowers she got for me, or the cards and I'd melt all over. I am pretty much the party girl, and I couldn't imagine spending a minute somewhere peaceful. However, I found joy in going to the park and just sitting, watching children play. Sometimes Meesam would ask me to give her a push on the swing, and I would. Sometimes, I just sit on a bench and watch the birds.

Moreover, I am learning how to cook. Sadly, one of the things few things I can't do, but would love to. I have started to spend more time doing things for myself.

I have started to change in ways I never knew I could, and I am happy about it. With every passing day, I learn so many news things. I learnt that being happy doesn't revolve around shopping and shoes. Moreover, I learnt that no matter where you go, it’s always important to be who you really are. You do not have to change the person you are, just to get accepted.

Almost a month has passed since I moved here. Now, I look forward to the 2 years I have left. I have taken up political science and mass communication as my majors in college, and I think it is so far, the best decision I have ever made in my life.

However, every day I face the question, “Why political science?”

To this, I always smile and shrug, most of the time because I do not know what to say. I decided to study political science because I want to make a change. And as to answering the question, “what change?” I’d never even finish answering that question.

Yes, I belong to a society that needs that many changes.

We have yet, to mature as social beings. It’s not a matter of choosing the right leader anymore. It has been brought down to being a matter of right and wrong. We are one sad little nation that's among the lowest populated from the world, and also with an insanely high count of grave social issues like domestic violence, drug abuse and gang violence.

So yes, I have a dream. I dream of making a change one day. A change so good, that around the globe we see the white flags of peace. A day when there’s no discrimination between gender, race and ethnicity. A day we all could forget our differences and learn to tolerate. A day I could walk safe in my own country.

Sigh, that's all for now, be back later. Till then, keep smiling :)

And yeah, here are some of the few pics I managed to get with my little family, before they headed back to the sunny side!

Dad with McDonald's Ronald.

Me and mom , Oh I miss her so! ):

With lil Mr. Annoying, Raif. I miss you too, lil one

And finally me, after getting reddish maroon highlights on my hair yesterday. It was just one of those crazy urges you have. I was coming home from college, saw the salon, and was like, "hey, highlights!" :P

Changes, changes all over..!

2012-01-06T22:44:00.000-08:00

sigh.

I feel guilty, for not updating much lately.

But I do I have a good excuse- life has been BUSY. Happening.

Remember how I rambled about moving to Lanka? well, THAT's where I am right now.

However, first things first. What have I been up to?

I worked in the SAARC summit in addu, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I met some nice people, made new friends and learnt much. I was hell busy, since with the help of our supervisor from the president's office, Mr.Shuaib and my partner sharyf, I had to manage 50 students from local protocol, plus around 24 girls from foreign too. It was a tough, challenging and very enlightening experience. Moreover, I think Shuaib had been one inspirational leader to all of us, never stopping at anything and giving both of us much needed advice and guidance. i would always be thankful to him and his wife sophy, with whom I made good friends.

After a rather successful event, I left for the Youth Leadership Program. 40 students from almost all the atolls, 3 weeks in Bandos Island Resort and another learning experience. This time, one that would change my life for the better. Few memorable highlights and lessons from YLP stuck in my memory would be..

The way my roommates helped me through everything. I remember how Riyasha neatly made stitches on my traditional dress with a needle and thread, even though she barely knew how to. She made me try it over and over again, fixing it till it was perfect. I remember how we all did yoga and danced. I remember taking dibs on toilet, the AWESOME food, boduberu, the many trips and everyone teasing me about so much stuff!

How I sang for everyone on more than a few occasions. On the karaoke nights, during the 'cultural' day, and many a night under the huts till we were shooed off to bed.

Learning to respect people, especially the Bangladeshi people in Maldives who are so mistreated, so degraded. Over and over again, I had the chance to think about how sorry a situation it was.

I learnt how in a democracy, we have to discipline ourselves enough to be able to accept the fact that if the majority of the people think along the same lines, I have to respect the decisions made according to them as long as my rights are preserved. EVEN THOUGH my opinions may differ.

I also learnt that I didn't need to have power, in order to make a change. There are certain things which I can do as an individual, or in a small group to make things better. Even the simplest thing we do, could turn the world around. And this we know, from the many inspirational people around the world.

From all the very inspiring lecturers we had, someone who inspired me very much was the judge from high court in Maldives Shujoon, who was the first judge in Maldives. She was so in control, so poised and I think is a great example for all the girls like me. Really, makes you wanna say, "Go,Woman!!!" :P

Our facilitators Falak, Shaam and Naaj were the best ever. We all loved them and they were all so helpful throught the whole program. And even though I had wailed and screamed so much at Shaam for shooing us off from the TV at lights out time, I think the three of them did everything so perfectly.

The program has changed the way I thought about SO MUCH stuff, that its difficult to point out everything. However, I will always remember the stuff I learnt and would always be thankful to Democracy House and Mr. Dean for giving me the best three weeks of my life.

Throughout the program, Sal and Naafi were two people who pushed us always, to excel and do our best. And for this, I'd always be thankful to both of them.

Sal has been the most inspiring person I met throughout it all. People like her, they make me want to be a better person. Moreover, she is hope. For me, and for many young people out there.. because she is proof that there ARE adults who listen to young people. People who think that what we say and think, matter. And these, are only few of the many reasons why I think she'd be the best mentor I could ever have.

So.. How is Colombo treating me?

Oh my, this has turned out to be one LONG post. About Lanka, I think that would be another update. I have still not adjusted well and my laptop is arriving in a few weeks, so I guess I'd be updating regularly from then onwards. Till then, adios :)

One Fairytale Dream

2011-10-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

One of these days I'd have my own family
People whom I'd hold close, oh so dearly
I have so much love in my heart, to give
To those special people for whom one day, I'll live

The man I so long ago dreamed to meet
A husband ever so strong, ever so handsome, ever so sweet
I'd be his sunshine, in every way I can
And one in a million, would be my man

A daughter,sugar and spice and all things nice
As pretty as a doll, but nonetheless wise
Daddy's lil princess, so true
And a mommy's girl through and though

And then, a lil boy to call my own
A son, with a gazillion toys would he be strown
Naughty , fun, spoiled lil boy he would be so,
But of course, only to grow into a loving son forevermore

This would one day be my world
One lil family to cherish, to love and to hold
So perfect a world, one love-filled stream
Dear god, may this one day be more than a mere teenager's dream

Life Turns Around..

2011-09-30T12:23:00.000-07:00

Don't even ask me, even I don't know where that ^ came from :P

Sooo.. How have I been? Good, I guess. But really bored, though..

Anyway, my life is about to face "HUGE" changes, whether good or bad, I'm not sure. I am about to move to Colombo next month, and start college their. I am doing a degree in Mass Communication and I have my fingers crossed that I wouldn't regret it.

I am also going to be staying on my own, with some people I have never met. These horrible thoughts keep crossing my mind about it.. I mean, what if they hate me? What if they hate the fact that I can't still cook that well? :/

I have been there several times before, but it has always been for one week vacations with my lil family. I guess I'm in for the long ride this time.

I'm still in Addu, dad won't send me back till its time to move and I think he's being way unreasonable, of course. At first I hated being away from my friends, but now I think I've kinda started seeing another side to it too. Of course I miss my friends and I'm very bored, but all this time to myself has given me a lot of brain work, and I have come to terms with some of the awful things that has been happening to me recently. Still, I can't wait to go back!

What else is new.. Raif, my only sibling (13yrs), is sick. We stayed at the hospital with him last night, and all the time I kept thinking about how much I love him even though I fight with him all the time. He's back at home now, and doing better. Here's the lil guy in the hospital .. Get well soon, brother bear, dhontha loves you.
And I totally forgot about something. A pic of my favorite birthday gift! It's this classy 818 Women Gift Set with a sterling silver necklace, from my grandfather. Usually, my favorite would have been something a lot simpler, but this one is really really special for me. Why? Because it's from my grandpa and it means a lot to me, especially because he bought it in pink and he has such great taste. Here's a pic :)

Well.. that's about it, me and my funny little life. I'll be back LATER! :)

If Only..

2011-09-28T06:57:00.000-07:00

If only I had one
A friend, a trustee,
One to call my very own sister..

I would have brushed her hair oh so fine..

I would have helped her with clothes and shopping
And we'd have brought down the mall together

I would have held her when she cried,
Told her to be stronger
And then when she does stop, we would have kicked the person who made her cry

I would have painted her nails pink
Given her such lovely makeovers,
Of course we'd fight but we'd always get through with smiles

If only I had my very own sister,
Someone I can turn to no matter what,
I'd have loved her so very much

PS. That aint my sister in the pic, but someone who is just like one :)

Birthday Wish List! :D

2011-08-16T07:15:00.000-07:00

Well, Birthday's around corner and as par tradition, I've made my wish list! :)

1. To be with the freaks, whom I miss more than anything ever :(

2. A new camera , since I recently lost mine ><

3.A dress. Something simple, and pretty.

5. A wall post on facebook :P

6. A call, at the strike of twelve!

7. SHOES!

8. A handmade card. They are always special!

9.THIS <3 O_O >>>

10. A Cake.

Well, I guess that's pretty much it, for now. And last year, it was one really, really HAPPY birthday. Here's a pic :)

Easy Inspiration!

2011-08-14T12:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, firstly, a warning. This might sounds EXTREMELY weird!

Well, you've prolly seen loads inspiring stuff. Heard loads of inspiring music. Read inspirational stories and met such people too. Probably.

But has one of these lil things ever changed the way you look at life? Changed your mood, effected your relationships with people, and sometimes even your goals for life?? Well, for me, it has happened more than a few times now.

Its weird, but then again, maybe it's a good thing too, y'know. I could be totally depressed one minute, and then a good old teen movie, and voila! Back in high spirits again! :P

Life at the moment, is quiet and peaceful. Something which my life has never been and something I can't tolerate for long.

And look at these Jimmy Choo Boots.. (totally in love).. <3

..For The Wet Blankets!!

2011-08-12T03:22:00.000-07:00

GRRRRR!!
I just showed some beautiful pictures to a friend and all she could do was, to my disappointment, point out every single negative thing about them! This reminded me of similar incidents that has happened sometime back. The other day, I saw a TV show about fashion designing and the guy up there had done wonders with various materials. He has done an amazing job and I showed it to the person I met first. Then comes some snickering and the snide remark about how the guy looked unbelievably gay!
At school, we did a fair and it was quite successful. Some people didn't like the prices, some people didn't like the stage items, some managed to find the security ridiculous.
I tried to do some presenting because for me, it was fun and I loved it. Oh no, people found it 'wayyyyyyy uncool'.
SERIOUSLY! What's wrong with people?
I mean, of course it aint necessary that you LIKE all the stuff. There are things i hate too, AND I'm not the 'always happy and positive and sunshine' kinda person either. But there are SOME people who make me think that they have absolutely NOTHING good to talk about. No, its always a complain, a snide remark, or worse, some backbiting. Why make worse outta a bad situation? Sigh.
..Then again, I guess this comes as one of the many things I might never understand about our society.

So... What's new with me?

I'm in Addu for sometime and I'm bored.
I have started ignoring my phone. It's been three days since I last used it. Yeah, that's right, three days!
I haven't done any shopping in a long time and I miss it. In fact, I'd go crazy if I have to go on like this for another week.
It's Ramazan, the fasting time.
I've been working on my birthday wish list, which looks outrageous this year :P (will be back with it later!)

And in the mean time.. see this adorable cake the Freaks made for me at my farewell? Isn't it the cutest thing on earth? :P For me, it SURE IS, the sweetest cake I've ever had :)

.. Sad Goodbyes!

2011-08-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Three days after graduation, On July 1st 2011, we were supposed to have our graduation party. We all worked HARD for it. There was so much to and so little time. Dance practices to attend, shopping to finish and through it all, enjoying was never amiss! :)

The day started really tough for me, with the news that Raif, my only sibling was really really sick. He was back in addu and I spent the noon worrying over it. However, as there was nothing much I could do about it and sitting at home was driving me nuts, I went to school. Things were hectic there. We practiced till it was evening and I left to do some urgent shopping with sam and haisham, in a hurry. We had to get so much stuff and time was running fast!

We bought shirts and trousers for sam and haisham, and then these gorgeous heels for me. We also managed to get earrings and it was fun.... UNTILL, I saw my dress which we got at the last minute. It was a complete disaster and absolutely NOTHING like the designs I gave. The shops were already closed by then and I sat at home, overwhelmed with it all and crying because I had fretted so much over my dress and it looked ugly.

Rish and I were supposed to dress in our costumes and leave to school in less than one hour. I called her and told her about my emergency.. Rish was a sweetheart and she said we'd fix it together somehow, and at her place, her sisters somehow managed to make it look a lil presentable. Rish always knows what to do! I love her.

Anyway, me and rish arrived at school almost in time for our dance and then came another disaster. There we were on the stage, with NO MUSIC. And we had to leave. By then, I was at my breaking point. It embarrassed me to no end and I was so very heartbroken .. until this young hero from the youngest batch at school, who claimed to be 'MALIK JAMAL' saved the day! :)

All of the girls in Freaks XD decided to put together an Arabic dance for the evening, and it turned out wonderfully. Yeah, those were my ladies!! :)

After the dance, I was tired and happy that we actually did it.. with so less time and even less practice. What I wasnt expecting was.. any more unpleasant surprise. But no, then cam the worst news I ever got that day O_O

Mom called me to inform that Raif was very, very sick and I broke down that very moment. To this day, I remember the way how those very loved people came there and stayed with me through it. Rish was crying as much as me! I was about to leave, but then again decided that I'd go mad at home. So, I slowly dressed up and forced myself to stay there.
Later, pretty much everywhere I went, there were tears and people who didn't want to leave.It was one hell of a night and once again, Me, Mawaf, Mua and this time Rish were the last people to leave the school.

This was another day which I'd never forget!

Here's me, in the ruined dress which rish fixed for me :P

Bye Bye High School..!

2011-08-11T08:41:00.000-07:00

I started A Levels in CHSE, but later our batch at CHSE was privatized to Villa International High School. Me and my friends ended up being grumpy about the whole thing, because we did NOT want to leave CHSE. However, it was just a matter of time before everyone started enjoying school more than anything else.

So many beautiful times have been spent there and I'd never forget them. Together, we have done so much and bonded so well. So much that when it was time for graduation.. well, nobody wanted to be graduated!

The graduation ceremony was held on 27th June 2011. Me and some close friends went together, and we all were feeling pretty nervous, god knows why :P

Here's me with Shazu, one of the freaks. I spent most of my time with her at school (we were classmates)... and well, after school too. She's an amazing person.

..and are all of the freaks who studied at our school, except Rish coz she was not in Male' at the time..
I went home with Mua, Nawaf and Shaffu. I totally managed to embarrass myself by bursting into tears halfway through, (yeah!). The four of us left the last, feeling pretty emotional and everyone caught in their own thoughts..

High School was everything it was cracked up to be, and more! :)

Look Who's Back...!!

2011-08-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

I'm BACK, after ONE YEAR! Even if I say 'long,time eh?' that just wouldn't do..

So.. What was I up to, during the past one year?

Well, its was yet, the best year of my life. I grew up in many ways, met so much people I adore, finished high school and fell in love. Yep, pretty much, a HECTIC year.

I have so much to share, so much new people who mean the world to me now.. And a lot has happened in life.

These days, I've got so much free time in my hands and I wanted to start on with my blog again, this time much more regular. To make up, I promise to give my blog a makeover which it badly needs, post LOADS of pictures about me, my life and the beautiful moments I've spent the past year.

For starters, here's a pic of me with the freaks, some of the most loved people in my life. I'll upload more details and pics laaater! One guy (cyah) is missing but then again, he always is! I cherish you all, so very much. You guys have made my life beautiful!

Closed My Eyes And I Wish I Wish...

2010-06-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

>That rainy days and the woods look as inviting and beautiful as they do in those animations. I wouldn't have minded being a tree hugger or a mountain nymph, it it was that way! :p

> You never get fat, no matter how much chocolate or cheese you eat

>for a million shoes

> and more earrings <3

> that my feet were smaller, so that I look less a penguin and more a lady

> That I don't have eye problems

> That 2008 had gone on forever

Among The Many Things I Never had The Heart To Say...

2010-05-30T07:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Grandpa,

I remember how I used to fear
you as a child, thought of you as annoying during teenage
and found you intimidating all along. However, as I slowly reach something close to maturity , I cant tell you how much I admire you.

As I face the new ordeals life offer me,
I find myself thinking about how you dealt with a thousand more.
Moreover, I cant help but stand in awe of the respect you have from people, even at this age.

I can't believe how you are one of the best photographers I have ever met.
Or how you are one excellent carpenter... Or poet.. Or all those other millions of things you do, and excel at.

You are one admirable person and even though there might be no lost love between us,
dear grandpa,
I respect you and cherish you for all you are :)

so goes the story...

2009-12-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

Long time eh? Anyway I'm back

I have recently met a friend of mine, who's working in the UN, during his short trip to Maldives on holiday. He has made some very reasonable query letters along with formal proposals about introduction of Student Counselors in schools and the raising of awareness among the Maldivian families, in an attempt to bring down the rate of child abuse in Maldives. However, his approach to the Unit for the Rights of Children proved to be extremely unfruitious (yup not a "real" word). He was provided a blunt excuse about more important matters on hand. Yeah, right. Of course the topic was child abuse, and I can understand the discomfort, but what a shame that this society is still not ready to hear about incest and child abuse, even when the real story is about healing and growth.

In all possible ways, Maldives claim to be civilizing day by day. If it is so.. Hell, why does our society still frown upon the talk about issues like child abuse? Yeah, such talk is still hushed up, sealed in boxes and kept away. What we've all got to realize is that, silence enables the abuse to continue. Silence protects the offenders and hurts the children who are being abused. Oh, to hell with the 'ladhuvethi aburuveri' talk. We have yet, a long way to walk before we reach there.

In my opinion, the way we accept child abuse to be defined as 'sexual molestation' should also be changed. Child abuse comes in various forms... from which verbal abuse is probably the most common from here in Maldives. Yet, how many parents know that the 'lashing out’ they gave to their child tonight, would have had them sued in international courts? How many children are actually aware that there IS a thing called child abuse, and that they are being treated wrong? Most of the time, verbal abuse is viewed as part of the routine child rearing practices. "Giving 'em a good beating" solves everything.

There are counselors in most of the main schools in Male'.. But what about the others? Child abuse is most common in the eastern areas of Maldives. The children are forced to keep quiet, because they don’t know that it should have been different. They have not known anything different even existed. They aren’t aware of the so-called "child help line" in Maldives. Actually, most of the Maldivian children are unaware of the goddamned child help line. The 'helpline' provided by the URC is 329329, which doesn’t work at all. However, Child helpline International had provided Maldives with a toll free number 1412.

"01.12.2009Child helpline Maldives launched!

Child helpline Maldives will be accessible nationally through the toll free number 1412. The child helpline was launched to commerate the twentieth anniversary of the Convention on the Rights of the Child. This means that children in the entire country can now receive assistance if they are in need of care and protection without costs! CHI is proud to have contributed to the founding of this new member. "

Ah, so again, somebody cooked our soup for us. And again, we have failed to make the most of it. How many children are aware of the CHILD helpline? Zilch! Nada! I think it’s high time the so called 'URC' gave some thought about it.

20 random facts

2009-08-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

I now.. long time no post.. Im being a lazy blogger :p I've been up and around.. just had my birthday, which was.. normal for a birthday! Gonna post about it soon I guess.. I was tagged by shaha. thanks for the tag baibe, you're great. So.. here goes! :D

1. I hate the color pink!!

2. I collect all weird stuff- as in stones.. (yeah)

3. I wish I had more control over my temper

4. I hate sms lingo

5. I could be paranoid, often.

6. I call my mom MJ, and my grandma is about disinherit me..

7. I wear loads of black

8. giggly people annoy me :|

9. I am obsessed with shoes, though I keep walking around in one..

10. umm.. I secretly think about stupid things.. like the sea at night and stars and.. (yes i might be NUTS.) pah

11. I love the rain

12. When I am among people who makes me feel timid, I laugh a lot, and act so-not-me.

13. I believe that I'm a brain, and that you all are brains and that we dont exist materialistically.. yes :|

14. I love Ralph Lauren

15. 2008 was the best year I ever had.. it was awesome (:

16. I love music

17. And I used to sing too..

18. Im obsessed with gel, crystal, ot transparent things.. All my cosmetics are gel too.. even the toothpaste :/

19. I have a lot of friends.. meaning a LOT.. and most of them close.. but I prefer to stay alone often..

20. little little things make me happy.. like a call from MJ.. seeing a friend.. going to school.. o_O

Oookay... over with it! I tag belle, skarlit and risa!

PS. The pic has nothing to do with this post and I have no idea as to why I uploaded it

Happppy Birthday, itthuu! <3

2009-06-26T04:35:00.000-07:00

heyyyyy there people! I know I'm kinda 'le absentia' right now. Its cos i just moved, and havent got round to getting the connection yet. However, Im hoping I'll get it soon enough. *fingers crossed*

SO, school has started and its okay I guess. I got a lotta friends and its good. Not to mention a hell lotta busy. Nerd mission number one, on the way!

I made a united resolution with a cousin, to do something on everybodys birthday this year. everybody as in people who matter. err.. people who are goood enough, you know :P June 28th is my cousin Isra's Birthday and I want her to know that she is okay for an annoying teen cousin, and that im thankful cos it could have been worse. A lot worse.

As a very generous birthday gesture, I hereby :

1. Forgive you for stealing my song collection, providing you dont repeat it ever.

2. Forgive you for being the most annoying creature I've ever met (validate till 30th June 2009)

3. forgive you for waking me up, every other day

4.promise to miss you for one mminute everyday

5.give you a place from my will

6.promise to love you sometimes, when you're not being the biggest pain i ever had.

Happy Birthday Itchhu! *hugs*

(Disha also wishes you from the bottom of her heart. Dont get your hopes high. I think it might be the result of you calling her to remind your birthday, since the start of June! :D )

Bye-Ze-Bloody-Bye, Addu!

2009-05-30T06:54:00.000-07:00

Ever had your neck stuck?
yeah, i DO mean stuck =|
if you're wondering, its horrible! worse than it sounds. my neck has been stuck ,
for a week now. iIn the strangest ever possible angle. And it sucks big time, cos people tend to stare.. 'ohh yeah.. there is the weirdo, and why is she looking like a forty year old wax statue?'
Shoot people

And my current mood? confused
Because I'm about to move, and now I'm not much sure of my decision.
Yeah, CHSE would be better than the school here.
But the thing is..
all my friends are here
my mom is here
and it is 'peaceful'
so I'm in this dilemma, but I guess its too late to change plans anyway!

And school starts on june 14th.
Am I nervous?
haha! Me? nervous?

YES way :|
Im nervous about moving, starting a new school, and most of all..
new friends.
But I guess this is for the better, and it'll grow up on me! Im kinda excited too, you know.. Lets hope that this was the right decision anyway :|

Well, thats it for now..
see yuh peeps!

'eau-de-awesome'.. right in the eye! owww, it hurts huh?

2009-05-14T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hola, people! This time I'm here with a letter, for some very special people. This is in response to the amuuuuusing hate mails, spamming my inbox after I wrote my 'ex-ex-post', on sms lingo. Oh yes, the lovebirds on fb actually wrote me hate mails. but the hilarious part is.. they called my parents...!!! Sheesh, now things get outta hand. uh oh.. and yeah.. they blocked me on fb tooo.. Good riddance of extremely bad, rotting rubbish I'd say!! Anyway, here I go..

Hellowww loabiputtiexx,
I'm awwwwesome, as usual, and yeah, just recovering from the after-effects of your hate mails. I hope you have the worst stomach bug ever, along with a bad case of diarrhoea. Amen!

"It was none of your business, what ever comments I gave were on my
profile, to my profile picture"

In response to this, I'll have to say, it surely aint my effin business, but I tend to poke my nose into whatever I feel like. AND since your comments bugged me, I wrote about it. I dont regret writing it either, but i realy DO regret not posting your names, e-mails IDs and the fb link, in respect to your privacy!

Well' I knew you were always big in the comedy area, but you calling my PARENTS about a post in my effin blog o_O, now thats carrying humour to its highiest extent! It was a good laugh, which just made my bo-ooo-ooring holidays, colourful.. Thankyou, I hail you!

And I'd now like to inform you that this is the 21st century, and parents no longer care about their annoying teenage daughter's creepy blog. Atleast, my folks dont give a damn, whicxh is as cool as it gets! Annnnd I'm gleefully adding insult to injury, my mom thinks you've gone soft in the head! (Go MJ! I Love you)

And now, I shall laugh, and watch your faces screw up in hatred. :D Keep the mails cmong, they make my noons worthwhile.

I have officialy addded you to the list of the few people I hate. And YES, that does make your life dificult, trust me on this!

Thats it for now,

Bi bi, tgcxx, I salute your face with rotten eggs.

P.S> I wont remove the post, you can shoot my roof.

PPS> You may stop clapping for me now, as it disturbs my delicate ears :D

To sufa :)

2009-05-09T01:33:00.000-07:00

heyyyy friends (: I've beeeeeen up and about, with nothing much to do.. Hope you people are rocking on, as usual!

I've been writing those poems, and a friend asked me.. 'what would you write if you ever write about me?' And since shes a great friend, i just wrote out a lil something for her... Sheesh! I know how annoying i can be.. Through it all, she has been the sweetest ever! o_O So along with all the worries in the world for all I've been, this goes to Sufany Nizar =D (I know its I!! whatever!)

BesTesT FriEnd!

At times of deep sorrow,

Courage from you-I borrow

If ever, I have a smile to spare,

With you easily I share.

Yes , You are so far, the best of friends.

When I selfishly cry, anywhere-

Its your shoulder, always there.

Having seen me at my best and worst,

Its you, who stood by me at any cost.

And just that, makes you the very best of friends..

Ever so calm, ever so sweet, and always the best,

Thankyou for smiling when you should've cursed.

A sister, a friend, a mentor- all in one,

Thankyou for all you've been, all you've done..

For you shall always be the bestest friend ever!

P.S-Well well, call it gay, sweet corny, anything..! as if I care.. there it is, and here I am.. =P see you people sometime laaaater! *whistles awayyyy*

'Smthngxxxxx' I dont get...!

2009-04-20T03:22:00.000-07:00

these are comments to a picture on facebook!! Read them :p

WHATSHERNAME at 9:22am November 26, 2008

lowwwwwbi pic ehhh! you look sooo hot! ummmwahhxxxxx hny

WHATSHERNAME at 3:06pm December 6, 2008

u lukn so kiuttttt lobiputyy!

WHATSHISNAME at 12:00am December 11, 2008

thnkx lobzzzz. Lv u sw muchxxxxx

AAAARRRRGH! I swear I didnt make this up.. just edited the names, for their privacy.. and they're gonna read this and kill me, but I'll write what I want anyway.. *shrugs* Annnnnd... WHAT THE HELL IS "lobiputyy"? o_O

I DONT get this SMS lingo.. I mean like, if we are using phone, or in a hurry,yeah pretty understandable to say "ur msg" than "your message". But what i totally dont get is, when people say "kiuuuttttt" insteada cute, "babi" inteada baby :

And then.. "love you so muchxxxxx" ? Oh man! what does the buncha Xes do? :p A very close friend of mine, would say, every single time he leaves, "tgcxx". And I asked him about it. Seems as if he had reasons.. I guess most people do. But its just one of those silly lil things which bug me lol. Though I'd share this tooo.

And I know, I know.. "what the hell is wrong with her? why does she care?" Lol, it aint my business, sure, but thats how i am, you dont like it? your bad then, cos i dont give a dang! :p

"sw cu tc bibi guyxxxx." hehe

Deja Vu!! o.O

2009-04-18T02:29:00.000-07:00

It was like three four days ago. I was lazing around

when mama came in and started talking about some shoes she saw.

And then I felt it...

I felt as if the moment was repeating itself.

Hold on, dont shun me :p I'll explain. It was like,

I felt as if it has happened before. As if I have lived that moment before.

Arrrgh! Its frustrating if you STILLL think Im talking in my sleep!

SO guys who understand me can move on with the post. Others, ban bang, shoot you, I dont care! :p

So all the psychology wannabes, nerds PLUS the smarty pants! You might have heard of this, or you might already know it well, but I dont give a damnnnn cos its interesting to me! :p

Anyway, what I felt before, the moment repeating thingy, its pretty normal. DejaVu! I googled and it shows that a lotta people go through it, thus, proving that Im not nuts. >.<

Well, now that Im not freaked out by it anymore, it aint happening again! Pah... so much for the research.

So all in all, its pretty cool and I just felt like sharing it =) Now Im gonna eat this big chocolate cake with nuga cream, hazelnut topping, and.. uh oh! Adios. o.O

PS. I recently found out the meaning of my name. Wheeeeee! Mama says it means ceremony.. you know celebrating kinda thingy. So here I go, celebrating :p

The rainy post..! :p

2009-04-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

Tip, tip, tip... yeah! Just listen to the sound of the rain one day.. Its gonna be so relaxing.. At least, for me it is! I've always said, rain represents freedom.. its always makes me think about being free, independent. You know, as in, the rain drop are caught in the clouds for soooo many days, and they finally get free! Ahh, Im talking crazy now.. that happens most of the time.

Anyway, its the rainy season , and i plan to enjoy everyyyyyy second of it. Mama doesnt seem to like it, but still. There are still two months for school to start, and Im like sooo fed up of the hols. Never imagined that was possible! The stupid computer carried himself off to male', so im stuck in this red land with no connection.

Strangely, I have this strooong urge to study reaaaally hard for the next two years, but doesnt it always fade away when you start school? For me, it always goes that way, no matter how determined I am. Im just hoping it will change this time..

So all in all, Im just lazing around with nothing to do except counting furniture. Pah! Catch ya around.. until then, tc(:

The weird post..!

2009-03-18T03:45:00.000-07:00

"Mama, can I reach the stars?"
"No honey, you can't reach them.. They are far too high for you"

"But mama, will it be a happy place?"
"Oh yes my sweet little girl. Its gonna be a very, very happy place"

"Okay.. I wanna reach the stars. I wanna be happy"
"How many time did mama tell you, you CANT reach them!"

"I'll try. your girl would reach for the stars mama... you might find me back with the moon. It would be a very very happy time"

"love??!"

2009-03-10T06:24:00.000-07:00

A girl, with the inane rules so unfair,
Yet, she threw all her caution to the air..
Accepted a first wave, winking..
Brought in a first rose, thinking
Oh my god, is this love?

He spoke to her, words of love so comforting
Happy, so happy was a girl to finally meet her "prince charming"
Yes, she had eyes only for one..
Trusting, adoring, finally believing in "the one"
Is it really love?

Suddenly, the world became a happier place.
Oh, how laughter brightened a dullest face.
She soared high, high above the clouds
Nobody could mar the face held high, so proud
So is THIS what they called love?

Together, they hoped, wished, dreamed
Not for a moment were they sad,
Yes happy, so happy was this one girl
to have found beauty in a unique pearl
Yes, love-it seems- exists after all

The sense of triumph never lasts long,
Yes, the storms threatened happiness, so strong
Simple, sweet moments she always longed for,
Oh why, they just never came anymore
Yet, wasn't it still love?

She struggled, to pull the strings together
To keep the beautiful dream forever,
Yes. so hard did she fight,
No, nobody could steal the merry light
And not for a moment, would she still doubt- THIS IS LOVE!

But it took just one night
As love staged a walk out- it was only a fight
Yet, there fell apart a world.
Beautiful, bright; indeed, a lovely world
Dear God, where was the love?

So harsh, came a wounded cry,
No sun could ever let her tears dry.
The memories were sharper than a knife
Haunted, haunted shall she be all her life
Oh people, how cruel is love?

ReSoluTionS fOr ThE nEw YeaR...

2009-01-03T05:34:00.000-08:00

Hello guyess.. guess I've been away for a looooonng lonnng time.. But all the same.. Im back on track. I tried being a good girl and thinking of some good resolutions for the new year.. but I came up with goofy ones. But why not share them here huh.. here we go...

RESOLUTIONS FOR 2009

1. Loosen up my temper.. with friends, family, everyone.
2. Try and stop bugging people unnecessarily at extremely bad times!
3. Complete an army of soft toys
4. Get better at the guitar
5. STOP eating chocolate...(okay.. maybe not.. thats too strict anyway.. lessen the amount i chug down then)
6.Be a better daughter for mommy.. she was thinking of disinheriting me the other day you know...
7.Lessen the trips to MLT (the shop near my home)
8.Stop fighting with my brother..( STRICTLY EXCEPTIONAL IF HE STEALS ANYTHING)
9.Try sleeping at night.. and not in the morning+afternoon+evening
10. LEARN TO COOK!! oh man... why do girls have to do it anyway? (i think its unfair)
11. Stop telling people that they are stupid.. coz im no smarty pants myself
12. Eat an orange, every night before bed
13.drink more water
14.Try not messing things up..
15. Be less clumsy.. :| oh man.. I can go on and on... I guess I better stop for now.. Adios amigos (:

I HATE MATHS.. hmph

2008-11-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

well today.. is a strange day. It started with a hundred lectures at my bro. Followed by a stupid maths exams.. I guess you can imagine HOW strange it would be.. The maths paper ruined my mood.. like totally!! :/
And... that ain't the big news... today I cleaned my room :O (<<now that's what you call strange.. people!!) I mean.. even condoleezza rice can't do it everyday..(or maybe not:|) By the way.. m planning to fly to Male'.. most probably one the eighteenth or nineteenth. I'm looking forward to the trip :D
I'm still pretty busy with the nerdy work B=)... So the tight schedule ain't leaving time for a new poem .. or anything else as a matter of fact :@ But I'll bring it on... just waiting for the damned seventeenth ;) So cya all.. hasta luego.. \m/

studies studies and more studies :| :|

2008-11-03T02:21:00.000-08:00

Arrrrrrrrrrgh.. My O levels are driving me nuts!!! november seventeenth.. where arrre youuu?? :S welll m not updating much at the moment coz its "exam time" for poor me... so hope to see you guys around.. with something new :D adios

2008-10-13T02:51:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I recited on teachers day :D though for this I've used help from the internet... the poem is made by me :) here it goes..

A teacher for all seasons

dear teachers,

You are molders of our dreams,
The mentors who crush our beliefs of right and wrong
You are the the spark,
That sets aflame a poet's hand.

A teacher is like Spring,
Who nurtures new green sprouts,
Encourages and leads them,
Whenever they have doubts.

I think of all the things you gave to me,
Sacrifice, devotion, love aqnd tears.
Your heart, your mind, your energy and soul,
you spent on me throughout the years.

A teacher is like summer,
Whose sunny temperament
Makes studying a pleasure,
Preventing discontent.

"Teacher" is such a simple word,
But to me there's meaning seldom heard
For everything I am today,
My teacher's guidance showed me the way

A teacher is like fall
With methods crisp and clear
Lessons of bright colors,
And a happy atmosphere

You are always there when I need you,
To comfort and to care
The hope and guidance you gave to me
Will mentor me till I fly through the gates of eden

A teacher is like Winter,
While its snowing hard outside,
Keeping students comfortable,
As a warm and helpful guide.

Teacher, you do all these things,
With a pleasant attitude;
You are a teacher for all seasons,
And you have my gratitude!

2008-07-30T03:25:00.000-07:00

T R A P P E D

My life was filled with light and hope,

I had dreams to live out.

My eyes glowed with happiness and my days were bright

Then slowly, the candle burned and I changed

I can't bear to face the numbness dominating over me

Somewhere deep inside me, I hold a picture of a time long gone
Shadowy days; of ease and simple pleasures, not so long gone
Now with my mind I'm struggling, holding onto what I believe
I can feel the fragments of thoughts that leave me broken and deceived
I can't bear to go through this hopeless haze...

Now I'm filled with darkness and despair
Hopelessness consumes me...
The laughter is gone, tears now sear me
When I look at myself and see nothing,
I ask myself, when are you going to relight your candle?

I scream in anguished flashbacks
I can never hide from the looming shadows,
As they slice through every nerve and fibre
The bark red mooon bleeds,
Like how my soul bleeds of frozen droplets of anguish
This hopelessness and insanity, I can't bear to feel..

I want to scream out loud,
As to break the shackles of pain.
I want to fight the demons,
Resting silently in the cracks of my soul.
I want to take back my hopes, my dreams that were torn at the seams
Because I can't bear, this torture of feeling trapped.

I feel as if I've lost myself, in the mysteries of a body i don't recogonise
I sit on the sidelines of conciousness, watching the world go by
A world, that expects from me, demands from me
Things I'm no longer sure I can achieve.
God, I can't bear the insecurities that veil me..
I can't bear this trapped feeling..
I can't bear,
To lose myself so easily...

2008-03-31T05:18:00.000-07:00

Mom, the way you are doing,
I certainly hope is fine.

Just the opposite of what I feel,

'Coz i hope you never experience this mom.

Why did you go away mom,

You left me standing here, just by myself

Among these strangers,

So alone and confused mom, so alone...

Do you know what they did mom?

They stole all my secrets,

But they didn't understand any,

'Coz it was just the innocent writings of a child...

Just incase you wondered mom,

I did not curse any single one of them,

And just because of the way u raised me

So sweet and so proud, mom

Tell me,why did you leave me mom?

Why aren't you beside me today?

You see, know noone tells me to be brave,

And noone tells me not to cry anymore.

Why did they do it mom, why?

I'm completely lost without you...

Feels like theres no trust here.

But still, I hold my head high,

Just the way you taught me mom...

Come back to me mom,

Because right know, I feel damn depressed.

I find myself wanting to do things mom,

Crazy things which you didn't want me to do

I know its wrong mom,

Remember, you already tol me that a hundred times,

But I have no idea what I'm doing

'And i know that Im not being "your girl"

I can't keep on writing mom,

But tell chomps that he was the best bro,

And tell my friends that i loved them, too.

I know this is stupid mom,

But when you visit me later on,

Remind them to put "mommy's gurl" on my grave.

A PINK AND BLUE WORLD

2008-03-21T05:42:00.001-07:00

-a description of life's tortures through a child's eyes-

"Damn, I don't want a child"
I heard my daddy shout
"Please,Lets just give a a chance"
Mom's tears were evident though not seen

They were fighting about me.
I knew though I'm too small
They will continue till dawn breaks,
And yet, that was just another normal day of my crashed life.

My little mind was used to those fights,
Though I never understood the reasons.
There were many unanswered questions,
Racing through my little mind.

Why didn't they want me?
I ask my teddy a several times
But she never answers,
She just holds me tight

My mom is so beautiful
And I love her a lot
But i know she just hates me
'Coz daddy shouts at her for keeping me

At school I saw a friend being hugged by her mom,
But having never seen this, I went home puzzled
And offered my lovely mom a hug
She looked at my outstretched hands,
And turned to go away, leaving me alone,
Clenching my chubby little fists in despair

As I laid in the scary dark,
Unable to get even a wink,
I slowly created a dream world,
A world in pink and blue,
A world in which daddies never shout and mommies never cry.

I finally drifted into a fruitless sleep,
Wondering if my mom would ever give me a hug,
And if my dad would ever drive me to school,
Like those other kids I see in school.

But all my dreams seem so unreal,
So distant and out of reach,
Like something which I would never get,
Just like my little pink and blue world.